I couldn't help myself. I wanted to be cheerful when talked to him. Like how we usually greet each other when he picks up the phone. "Hey baby! ~" "HI BABY!" He said he just wants to make sure I'm okay. I crashed and failed to control my emotions. He thinks he likes Jessica. He doesn't know why his feelings for me faded. I've wronged him, I can't be there for him when he needs me, when he wants me. I turned my back against him when he needed me. For the past two months, we were both busy with our own lives. I can't be around during some weekends, he made plans with his friends on other weekends. I want to make time for him, I really do. I just had to go out a lot; to movies and stuff, which I can say no to. I swear, there isn't anyone else. Oh, what I'd do for a second chance! For him to actually believe in me..
Today, I am not proud of myself.
I spaced out a lot of times, especially in class and on the road. Whatever the lecturer was talking about, she mentioned "Unity", "wedding album", "wedding theme", "diamonds and flowers" lots of times. It was supposed to be a design class, so what's with weddings?! He wanted an underwater themed wedding, and I wanted a dress that's short, so it's convenient for the both of us right before the ceremony starts. And we would make the priest and our parents go scuba diving with us. He won't give me ring pops for our wedding. He said they won't last long enough as a symbol of his love to me and that he would get me a real ring no matter what but he'll get me an occasional ring pop if I wanted. I had to hit my head hard against the wall of the lecture room to clear these thoughts out. Several times. Then she gave us a break and I moved to have a seat with Gwen and Kimmy so I won't be thinking. I was wrong. I can't even give Gwen suggestions on how to make her assignment more creative. I just refused to help.
On the road, I was all alone with my music.
I spaced out and was driving at 65 miles per hour on a 50 miles per hour highway. I didn't realize I spaced out until I actually skidded and nearly knocked into the divider and the car in front of me. I should have let it happen. I could just let go of my steering wheel. I regained control of my car. "Brown Eyes" by Lady Gaga was on. Of all the eye colors she can sing about, why brown eyes? Why? He has brown eyes. His sexy pair of brown eyes.
If everything was everything, but everything is over.
Everything could be everything if we were older.
Guess this is just a silly song about you and how I lost you and your brown eyes.
Again, I spaced out and I was driving about 80 miles per hour now on a 30 miles per hour road. Nearly got killed again and I wanted it to happen. But I promised him I won't hurt myself.
The first thing I did when I got home was to look for Nick, so I won't succumb to my malicious thoughts.
Turns out, talking to Nick didn't help out as much as it did. Nick tried his best and I began to smile again. Then he got all emotional and we both ended up crying. Yay. ~ Mom called to tell me to get ready for dinner.
I've been waiting for dinner time. I skipped breakfast and lunch altogether and I was kind of famished. My food came and I ate all of the onions first because he hates them. I pretended to share with him again like how I usually do. Nausea is killing me. I don't want to be bulimic. Sick to the core. Welcome to reality, von.
